- This young lady loves you with an H, - the King said, introducing
Alice in the hope of turning off the Messenger's attention from himself -
but it was no use - the Anglo-Saxon attitudes only got more extraordinary
every moment, while the great eyes rolled wildly from side to side.
- You alarm me! - said the King. - I feel faint - Give me a ham
sandwich!
On which the Messenger, to Alice's great amusement, opened a bag that
hung round his neck, and handed a sandwich to the King, who devoured it
greedily.
- Another sandwich! - said the King.
- There's nothing but hay left now, - the Messenger said, peeping
into the bag.
- Hay, then, - the King murmured in a faint whisper. Alice was glad
to see that it revived him a good deal. - There's
nothing like eating hay when you're faint, - he remarked to her, as he
munched away.
- I should think throwing cold water over you would be better, Alice
suggested: - or some sal-volatile.
- I didn't say there was nothing BETTER, - the King replied. - I said
there was nothing LIKE it. - Which alice did not venture to deny.
- Who did you pass on the road? - the King went on, holding out his
hand to the Messenger for some more hay.
- Nobody, - said the Messenger.
- Quite right, - said the King: - this young lady saw him too. So of
course Nobody walks slower than you.
- I do my best, - the Messenger said in a sulky tone. - I'm sure
nobody walks much faster than I do!
- He can't do that, - said the King, - or else he'd have been here
first. However, now you've got your breath, you may tell us what's
happened in the town.
- I'll whisper it, - said the Messenger, putting his hands to his
mouth in the shape of a trumpet, and stooping so as to get close to the
King's ear. Alice was sorry for this, as she wanted to hear the news too.
However, instead of whispering, he simply shouted at the top of his voice
- They're at it again!
- Do you call THAT a whisper? - cried the poor King, jumping up and
shaking himself. - If you do such a thing again, I'll have you buttered!
It went through and through my head like an earthquake!
- It would have to be a very tiny earthquake! - thought Alice. - Who
are at it again? - she ventured to ask.
- Why the Lion and the Unicorn, of course, - said the King.
- Fighting for the crown?
- Yes, to be sure, - said the King: - and the best of the joke is,
that it's MY crown all the while! Let's run and see them. - And they
trotted off, Alice repeating to herself, as she ran, the words of the old
song:

- The Lion and the Unicorn were fighting for the crown:
The Lion beat the Unicorn all round the town.
Some gave them white bread, some gave them brown;
Some gave them plum-cake and drummed them out of town.

- Does - the one - that wins - get the crown? - she asked, as well as
she could, for the run was putting her quite out of breath.
- Dear me, no! - said the King. - What an idea!
- Would you - be good enough, - Alice panted out, after running a
little further, - to stop a minute - just to get - one's breath again?
- I'm GOOD enough, - the King said, - only I'm not strong enough. You
see, a minute goes by so fearfully quick. You might as well try to stop a
Bandersnatch!
Alice had no more breath for talking, so the trotted on in silence,
till they came in sight of a great crowd, in the middle of which the Lion
and Unicorn were fighting. They were in such a cloud of dust, that at
first Alice could not make out which was which: but she soon managed to
distinguish the Unicorn by his horn.
They placed themselves close to where Hatta, the other messenger, was
standing watching the fight, with a cup of tea in one hand and a piece of
bread-and-butter in the other.
- He's only just out of prison, and he hadn't finished his tea when
he was sent in, - Haigha whispered to Alice: - and they only give them
oyster-shells in there - so you see he's very hungry and thirsty. How are
you, dear child? - he went on, putting his arm affectionately round
Hatta's neck.
Hatta looked round and nodded, and went on with his bread and butter.
- Were you happy in prison, dear child? - said Haigha.
Hatta looked round once more, and this time a tear or two trickled
down his cheek: but not a word would he say.
- Speak, can't you! - Haigha cried impatiently. But Hatta only
munched away, and drank some more tea.
- Speak, won't you! - cried the King. 'How are they getting on with
the fight?
Hatta made a desperate effort, and swallowed a large piece of
bread-and-butter. - They're getting on very well, - he said in a choking
voice: - each of them has been down about eighty-seven times.
- Then I suppose they'll soon bring the white bread and the brown?
Alice ventured to remark.
- It's waiting for 'em now, - said Hatta: - this is a bit of it as
I'm eating.
There was a pause in the fight just then, and the Lion and the
Unicorn sat down, panting, while the King called out - Ten minutes allowed
for refreshments! - Haigha and Hatta set to work at once, carrying rough
trays of white and brown bread. Alice took a piece to taste, but it was
VERY dry.
- I don't think they'll fight any more to-day, - the King said to
Hatta: - go and order the drums to begin. - And Hatta went bounding away
like a grasshopper.
For a minute or two Alice stood silent, watching him. Suddenly she
brightened up. - Look, look! - she cried, pointing eagerly. "There's the
White Queen running across the country! She came flying out of the wood
over yonder - How fast those Queens CAN run!
- There's some enemy after, her no doubt, - the King said, without
even looking round. - That wood's full of them.
- But aren't you going to run and help her? - Alice asked, very much
surprised at his taking it so quietly.
- No use, no use! - said the King. - She runs so fearfully quick. You
might as well try to catch a Bandersnatch! But I'll make a memorandum
about her, if you like - She's a dear good creature, - he repeated softly
to himself, as he opened his memorandum-book. - Do you spell "creature"
with a double "e"?
At this moment the Unicorn sauntered by them, with his hands in his
pockets. - I had the best of it this time? - he said to the King, just
glancing at him as he passed.
- A little - a little, - the King replied, rather nervously. - You
shouldn't have run him through with your horn, you know.
- It didn't hurt him, - the Unicorn said carelessly, and he was going
on, when his eye happened to fall upon Alice: he turned round rather
instantly, and stood for some time looking at her with an air of the
deepest disgust.
- What - is - this? - he said at last.
- This is a child! - Haigha replied eagerly, coming in front of Alice
to introduce her, and spreading out both his hands towards her in an
Anglo-Saxon attitude. - We only found it to-day. It's as large as life,
and twice as natural!
- I always thought they were fabulous monsters! - said the Unicorn. -
Is at alive?
- It can talk, - said Haigha, solemnly. The Unicorn looked dreamily
at Alice, and said - Talk, child. Alice could not help her lips curing up
into a smile as she began: -
Do you know, I always thought Unicorns were fabulous monsters, too! I
never saw one alive before!
- Well, now that we HAVE seen each other, - said the Unicorn, - if
you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you. Is that a bargain?
- Yes, if you like, - said Alice.
- Come, fetch out the plum-cake, old man! - the Unicorn went on,
turning from her to the King. - None of your brown bread for me!
- Certainly - certainly! - the King muttered, and beckoned to Haigha.
- Open the bag! - he whispered. - Quick! Not that one -that's full of hay!
Haigha took a large cake out of the bag, and gave it to Alice to hold,
while he got out a dish and carving-knife. How they all came out of it
Alice couldn't guess. It was just like a conjuring-trick, she thought.
The Lion had joined them while this was going on: he looked very
tired and sleepy, and his eyes were half shut. - What's this! - he said,
blinking lazily at Alice, and speaking in a deep hollow tone that sounded
like the tolling of a great bell.
- Ah, what IS it, now? - the Unicorn cried eagerly. - You'll never
guess! _I_ couldn't.
The Lion looked at Alice wearily. - Are you animal - vegetable or
mineral? - he said, yawning at every other word.
- It's a fabulous monster! - the Unicorn cried out, before Alice
could reply.
- Then hand round the plum-cake, Monster, - the Lion said, lying down
and putting his chin on this paws. - And sit down, both of you, - (to the
King and the Unicorn): - fair play with the cake, you know!
The King was evidently very uncomfortable at laving to sit down
between the two great creatures; but there was no other place for him.
- What a fight we might have for the crown, NOW! - the Unicorn said,
looking slyly up at the crown, which the poor King was nearly shaking off
his head, he trembled so much.
- I should win easy, - said the Lion.
- I'm not so sure of that, - said the Unicorn.
- Why, I beat you all round the town, you chicken! - the Lion replied
angrily, half getting up as he spoke.
Here the King interrupted, to prevent the quarrel going on: he was
very nervous, and his voice quite quivered. - All round the town? - he
said. - That's a good long way. Did you go by the old bridge, or the
market-place? You get the best view by the old bridge.
- I'm sure I don't know, - the Lion growled out as he lay down again.
- There was too much dust to see anything. What a time the Monster is,
cutting up that cake!
Alice had seated herself on the bank of a little brook, with the
great dish on her knees, and was sawing away diligently with the knife. -
It's very provoking! - she said, in reply to the Lion (she was getting
quite used to being called - the Monster'). - I've cut several slices
already, but they always join on again!
- You don't know how to manage Looking-glass cakes, - the Unicorn
remarked. - Hand it round first, and cut it afterwards.
This sounded nonsense, but Alice very obediently got up, and carried
the dish round, and the cake divided itself into three pieces as she did
so. - NOW cut it up, - said the Lion, as she returned to her place with
the empty dish.
- I say, this isn't fair! - cried the Unicorn, as Alice sat with the
knife in her hand, very much puzzled how to begin. - The Monster has given
the Lion twice as much as me!
- She's kept none for herself, anyhow, - said the Lion. - Do you like
plum-cake, Monster?
But before Alice could answer him, the drums began.
Where the noise came from, she couldn't make out: the air seemed full
of it, and it rang through and through her head till she felt quite
deafened. She started to her feet and sprang across the little brook in
her terror,

* * * * * * *
* * * * * *
* * * * * * *

and had just time to see the Lion and the Unicorn rise to their feet,
with angry looks at being interrupted in their feast, before she dropped
to her knees, and put her hands over her hears, vainly trying to shut out
the dreadful uproar.
- If THAT doesn't "drum them out of town," - she thought to herself,
'nothing ever will!



CHAPTER VIII

- It's my own Invention

After a while the noise seemed gradually to die away, till all was
dead silence, and Alice lifted up her head in some alarm. There was no one
to be seen, and her first thought was that she must have been dreaming
about the Lion and the Unicorn and those still lying at her feet, on which
she had tried to cut the plumcake, - So I wasn't dreaming, after all, -
she said to herself, - unless - unless we're all part of the same dream.
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